Here We Go Again

It's been a very long time. I just haven't felt like blogging and revealing my innermost feelings lately. I'm sure you can understand. As I sit down to write this, on television I'm watching a show where people have won unbelievable amounts of money in the lottery. Wow. How ridiculous is that? For me, it's as my sister would say "redonkulous". Who hands out these cards of fate? Well, I guess if we are spiritual people we KNOW who hands out these cards of fate don't we? God. But does it matter to me who hands them out? Hell no. I just want to know why at this point. Wouldn't you? Yup...that is what I thought. Why Me.
My Dad would be or IS rolling in his grave right now just at the thought that his daughter who is in the prime of her life is waiting to die in a Hospice in her home town of Grimsby. I know that sounds depressing now......WAITING TO DIE.....But that is how I feel. That is what I am doing. I'm just entertaining myself with short diversions for a little while during my stay here.
It was and still is a hard decision for one person to make to be here on a daily basis. It really, really screwed with my head. People don't understand all that it takes to be here everyday. Not being with my children as much as I would like, not seeing my husband when I want......It's emotionally the hardest thing that I have EVER done. Yet I know that for my own health and well being this is the best place for me right now. I couldn't have gone on living at home being in the state I was at. My poor Mum did her best to help me but it takes pretty much an army of people to take care of all the housework and the kids meals and homework and stuff like that. It's hard for me to keep up with all of that on a good day never mind when there is something stressful going on in the house like an illness. Not to mention that there was medication floating around and visiting nurses etc.
I'm guessing most people think that I should be thankful that I even have the option of coming to a place like this hospice setting here in my hometown and most certaintly I really am thankful but it doesn't take it off my mind that I might be making a bad decision.

I cannot find comfort

I cannot find comfort anymore. Not in the littlest most beautiful things in life. And not in the supposed comforting words that people say. Nothing seems real anymore. I used to truly live in each moment and cherish everything, be it negative or positive. Now I'm numb. Numb with the drugs meant to ease my pain. And numb to any kind of emotion except sadness. Actually, that is wrong. I'm scared. Scared that I will not be around to witness my sweet children become wonderful adults. Scared that I will not get to do those things that I have been putting off until later. It's now later. Yet it might be too late.

I do NOTHING.

I'm writing this after hearing someone repeat a comment made by somebody else on the weekend, about whether or not I do anything. The parties in question, know who they are, and I hope they are truly listening. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones that joke around about what a stay-at-home Mumsy does. People tend to question "what I do all day" and "do I ever get bored". "What shows do I watch on TV" and "When am I going back to WORK." Let me give you a run down of what I did today and I will let you be the judge. I will not give you the times at which each activity is taking place as I only watch the time around lunchtime because I have to bring Avery to school shortly thereafter.
After Greg left for work, Avery got into bed with me for some quality snuggle time. We cherish our morning snuggles and I wouldn't trade anything for it. Tristan woke up shortly after and then, of course, he had to cuddle with Mommy for a quick moment. Then the fun begins. Avery wanted to play games on my laptop and Tristan decided to watch Treehouse while I opened all the blinds and made the beds. I did a quick clean up in both the kids rooms and then headed to the kitchen to make and have breakfast. I finished eating before the kids (big surprise), so I emptied the dishwasher while I was waiting and promptly filled it up with the dishes that were waiting on the counter from the night before. When they were done, I wiped down the counter and looked into the pantry to plan lunch. Then we went upstairs to get ready for the day. Tristan(God bless him), wears whatever I put on his body while Avery.....Well lets just say that Avery is the Diva Fashionista. So ten to fifteen minutes later Avery emerged from her room wearing something white or green because she swore high and low that her teacher wanted them to wear green today. (It turns out she meant wear something green on the March break which was when St. Patrick's Day was....sigh....eye roll). Anyhooooo, I digress, I changed over the laundry and folded a basket full of towels that was put in the wash by my wonderful hubby the day before. The kids played with their toys for the remainder of the morning. I took a shower (ten minutes tops), and made myself presentable. I had a short phonecall with my hubby and then went to my daughter's room because I needed to organize her dresser drawers BADLY. After I was finished we all went downstairs to have some lunch. I should mention that I probably diffused many arguments and fistfights throughout the morning but if you asked me about what?.....I would have no memory. My kids play well together....but they fight really great together as well. Sooooooo.....we ate some pasta for lunch and I cleaned up and took out a bunch of ingredients for an apple crisp that I would make when I got home. Of course, we got our coats and shoes on to go to school and then I realized that Tristan had pooped.....So I had to undress him and change his diaper....then dress him AGAIN to go outside. Took Avery to school and on our way home we picked up the mail. When we got home Tristan got a cup of milk and then he went down for a nap. That is when I made the apple crisp in peace and quiet.....such a rarety these days....sigh. After the crisp was in the oven I cleaned up and went upstairs to finish folding the laundry. Then I sat down for a much needed break. (Roughly 20 mins). Then I realized that I had to wake up my son to get ready to go back to school and get Avery. We went and picked up Avery from school and on the ride back she gave me heck for making the apple crisp without her. So when we arrived home again.....We made peanut butter cookies. When those were done I prepared dinner (broccoli, rice and leftover bbq chicken breasts :) Greg came home and we ate our dinner....with apple crisp for dessert. Greg cleaned up the dishes, wiped down the counters and the floors and I went upstairs to start the kids' bath. Bathed the kids then put in two more loads of laundry and straightened out Tristan's room again. Bedtime could have come earlier today as I am pooped. I put Tristan down to sleep at eight and Avery went down at eight-thirty. Then I FINALLY watched some TV and chilled the fuck out. So....as you can probably determine from this diatribe, I didn't watch much tv, I'm never bored, I'm busy all day and I ALREADY WORK. But the rewards far outweigh the negatives and I never have been afraid of hard work. I love my family. So I think you can see why I hate all the misinformed comments and judgements about the stay-at-home Mom's out there, like me, who choose to do this and actually like it.

Here we are......

It's been a long road. Longer than I let myself believe. I kept telling myself that it was going to be fine. And really, I have been fine. Although people have told me how beautifully I have coped with it all and recovered in such a short amount of time, I still feel like it's not over. I suppose it will never be over for me. You see, one year ago this month I spent one month in the hospital being diagnosed with cancer and getting over the surgery. I have, in the last year, dealt with having a c-scan,a mammogram,a colonoscopy\gastroscopy. I have seen many doctors for the six months of chemo that I completed. And I've seen my surgeon many times to check up on my health. And even though they have told me that I have a clean bill of health, I think about what might be around the corner. Will I ever be diagnosed again with cancer? I don't know. And I'm told not to worry about what the future might hold, but seriously, wouldn't you wonder about it? I am really lucky.......Just not health wise. Maybe I should start working out again...or maybe I should never eat junk food again. Nah. I do want to be more active but do I have the answers for why ME? No. And I will never have those answers. God has all the answers, and we are left to figure it out all by ourselves. Maybe He thinks I can handle it. Or that I am "strong" enough and have the willpower to deal with it all. So far I would say He would be right. Let's just hope and pray that I don't have much more to contend with in the future...because I am DONE.

Christmas

It's interesting how the Christmas season can bring out such emotions in people. I'm finding that this year I am especially looking forward to seeing the lights on the houses, putting up our tree, hearing the music and seeing the snow. I have many great memories of past Christmas' being with family, decorating with my Mum, eating Christmas dinner with close relatives. In the past I haven't really taken the time to watch and enjoy the season like I should have. Part of that stems from the fact that I worked in retail for so long and when you are in that line of business you tend to get numb over the years. You hear the music EVERYDAY from the beginning of November until January 1st. The people that are shopping are not always the pinnacle of good cheer. And when you work in that environment and then you have to go out and do your OWN shopping in that environment.....well....it can take a great amount of patience. Somewhere along the line Christmas can get "lost".

This year, the Christmas season will be different. I will have my kids and hubby by my side as we decorate our tree and house. We will enjoy listening and dancing to the Christmas music. My kids will help me bake yummy treats and maybe we will enjoy a car ride or two looking specifically for the house with the most lights. We will gather with friends and relatives and enjoy each other's company. And on Christmas day, I will especially love watching the kids open their gifts from Santa and eating Turkey (my favourite meal). It may seem to you like I have done all of these things on Christmas' past.....and I have. But my vision is clearer now. My life is precious. I need to live everyday to it's fullest for that is the only way it should be done. Take it from me, I know. So I encourage everyone to see Christmas through the eyes of a child...to see it like you are just noticing it for the first time. Remember the reason for the season. And ENJOY!

I think that I can humbly say that I have outdone myself this time......I can only hope that each new painting will get better.

That's all!

Another accomplishment

Here is my second "work of art". I'm going to do a series of flowers....This is the first.