It's been a very long time. I just haven't felt like blogging and revealing my innermost feelings lately. I'm sure you can understand. As I sit down to write this, on television I'm watching a show where people have won unbelievable amounts of money in the lottery. Wow. How ridiculous is that? For me, it's as my sister would say "redonkulous". Who hands out these cards of fate? Well, I guess if we are spiritual people we KNOW who hands out these cards of fate don't we? God. But does it matter to me who hands them out? Hell no. I just want to know why at this point. Wouldn't you? Yup...that is what I thought. Why Me.
My Dad would be or IS rolling in his grave right now just at the thought that his daughter who is in the prime of her life is waiting to die in a Hospice in her home town of Grimsby. I know that sounds depressing now......WAITING TO DIE.....But that is how I feel. That is what I am doing. I'm just entertaining myself with short diversions for a little while during my stay here.
It was and still is a hard decision for one person to make to be here on a daily basis. It really, really screwed with my head. People don't understand all that it takes to be here everyday. Not being with my children as much as I would like, not seeing my husband when I want......It's emotionally the hardest thing that I have EVER done. Yet I know that for my own health and well being this is the best place for me right now. I couldn't have gone on living at home being in the state I was at. My poor Mum did her best to help me but it takes pretty much an army of people to take care of all the housework and the kids meals and homework and stuff like that. It's hard for me to keep up with all of that on a good day never mind when there is something stressful going on in the house like an illness. Not to mention that there was medication floating around and visiting nurses etc.
I'm guessing most people think that I should be thankful that I even have the option of coming to a place like this hospice setting here in my hometown and most certaintly I really am thankful but it doesn't take it off my mind that I might be making a bad decision.
My Dad would be or IS rolling in his grave right now just at the thought that his daughter who is in the prime of her life is waiting to die in a Hospice in her home town of Grimsby. I know that sounds depressing now......WAITING TO DIE.....But that is how I feel. That is what I am doing. I'm just entertaining myself with short diversions for a little while during my stay here.
It was and still is a hard decision for one person to make to be here on a daily basis. It really, really screwed with my head. People don't understand all that it takes to be here everyday. Not being with my children as much as I would like, not seeing my husband when I want......It's emotionally the hardest thing that I have EVER done. Yet I know that for my own health and well being this is the best place for me right now. I couldn't have gone on living at home being in the state I was at. My poor Mum did her best to help me but it takes pretty much an army of people to take care of all the housework and the kids meals and homework and stuff like that. It's hard for me to keep up with all of that on a good day never mind when there is something stressful going on in the house like an illness. Not to mention that there was medication floating around and visiting nurses etc.
I'm guessing most people think that I should be thankful that I even have the option of coming to a place like this hospice setting here in my hometown and most certaintly I really am thankful but it doesn't take it off my mind that I might be making a bad decision.
2 comments:
Hi Laurelle,
Let me preface this post:
I briefly met your sister Meredith, about 2 years ago. We worked in the same building, and took the same bus to work sometimes. We don't chat anymore, since she changed jobs, although I still read her blog from time to time.
What am I doing leaving a post on your blog? Good question.
This is sort of hard to explain, but I am going to try.
Your sister is a question asker, and so, through our brief encounter, the questions she asked me, broke open a dam of things in my life that precipitated a change in just about every area of my life; namely my relationship with God.
I always believed in God from when I was little. It was only over a year and a half ago, that I actually invited God into my daily life. I am on a journey of growing closer to Him through prayer and reading the Bible.
Laurelle, I have been praying for you and your family, for strength and healing. I have no idea and cannot imagine what you (and your family) are going through. I also don’t know what God’s plan is in all of this.
What do I know?
I do know that He loves you.
Bless you,
Natalie
This is a very nice comment Natalie......It is amazing how a brief encounter with someone can have long lasting positive effects in your life leading you to share with others.
Thanks.
Michelle
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