I never thought that I would say this but I'm kinda angry. Not the kind of raging anger where you think you might "do" something. Just angry.
I'm writing this on a Tuesday. I have chemo almost every Wednesday. It's around this time of the week that I'm feeling pretty good. No nausea or bone pain. A little tired but able to cope. The best day of the week for me is Tuesday. I can do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, go grocery shopping, go to the park with the kids. Life isn't so bad. Until I start thinking about tomorrow. Then almost automatically I feel nauseous. I start to dread the trip I will make to the hospital. Then the cycle starts all over again. Chemo..then nausea...then tiredness....then bone pain. It's so bad...this dreading....that I have to take medication to calm me down. So now I have another pill to add to my growing collection of pharmaceutical drugs. I have the "calming down" pill. The "nausea" pill. The "pain" pill. And the injections I take to boost my white cell counts. Wouldn't you be angry too? I guess it wasn't enough that I had to endure a six hour surgery to remove a tumour. It wasn't enough that I was in the hospital for a month and when I came home it took at least another month to recover. It wasn't enough that I had to learn how to eat again. It wasn't enough that my children were traumatized and that my husband was hugely stressed. This disease is unbelievable. Every time I go to receive the chemo I am reminded that I am still not 100%. That there is still a chance that this disgusting disease is within my body...getting ready to pounce again.
The good news is that most of the time I'm a happy-go-lucky kinda gal. And the chemo is over on August 13th!!!!!!!!
I will be celebrating!
I haven't figured out how or when......Any suggestions?
4 comments:
You're allowed to be angry. Man, I would have been angry not being able to ear, before any of this unfolded.
And don't worry about the extra meds you are on. With all you are dealing with, what's one more?
Merdy
DOREEN
I am glad to read that the anger has come. It has taken too long. You have appeared quite complacent about your situation which has caused me concern. Anger can give you strength and is a sign that you are fighting back.
You have a husband who will always be there for you, and two beautiful little children. You also have a lot of family who are pulling for you which means you are loved a whole bunch.
How to celebrate? Smell the roses, feel the air on your face, whatever gives you pleasure.
I will see if I can send this. I previously did not have any success.
Doreen
I meant EAT not EAR, lol!
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